The gays respect marriage more...

As I prepared to "register" Steve and my relationship with the city of columbus I realized something.  We put more work into this damn thing than straight people do,  a lot more!
 

Normally I try and feed people to my resolution hoping they will see what I do, but today, not so much.  I truly think by and large the LGBT community works harder for marriage and children than our counter parts.  No worries, I'll try to prove my crazy point and leave plenty of room for you to yell in the comments below.

 
At a time when flying to Vegas can land you some cash, in the broke house, or you end up leaving with a new spouse, heterosexuals have started to under appreciate what they have.  When Steve and I decided our lives were complete with each other, it took a six hour drive, a judges "ok" and we still got zero benefits that came with the paper.  We drove across three state lines even though all the work, travel and money meant absolutely nothing back home. 
 

So why go through all that trouble?  It's what we are all taught, go to school, college, get a great job, get married, have kids and die happy.  Marriage is a phase of life to be excited about.  Much like driving a car, voting, and for some their first alcoholic beverage, marriage is an exciting bench mark in life.  So why should Steve and I except nothing less than the real thing?  Our love is real, our commitment is real, then our marriage for damn sure is going to be real.

 

LGBT community members criss cross this country flying to states that will accept their love for no other reason than to show each other their love and reach that bench mark in life.  Shortly after many of them fly back to their states that don't recognize their marriage and feel closer and further in their lives because of it.

 

The most amazing thing, the most telling I think is that in all but six states the LGBT can not legally wed.  Yet hundreds of thousands of them jump in cars or planes fly across state lines and get a piece of paper that makes none of the financial pieces easier.  A marriage certificate here in Ohio won't allow Steve and I to change our name, add beneficiaries, insurance, adopt, nothing and in44 other states its the same exact story.  That little piece of paper just looks and feels really damn good to Steve and I on our wall.

 

This doesn't even take into account adoption.  We don't have accidental pregnancies.  The cost of having a child isn't the money you saved on not buying condoms one night.  It takes planning; whether adoption, a surrogate , foster care or some other method having kids takes time, prep and a hell of a lot of money and paperwork and that's all before you actually even have the kid.  Add on top of all that there are only a hand full of states that will allow same sex adoption and you can't help but admit that anyone willing to try and adopt must truly want it.

 

So what does this all mean you ask?  I think it boils down to this, the LGBT community appreciates marriage more than our straight counter parts, or at least more than they will give us credit for.  Gays and lesbians from 44 states cross this country, pay hundreds and sometimes thousands for a piece of paper that holds nothing but a peace of mind.  As for having kids the minimum for preparation far exceeds the norm in cost, paperwork and prep compared to our straight counter parts.

 
So the next time you think or hear that gays and lesbians don't understand what commitment, or marriage is think of this.  Think of Steve and I making a track to Washington DC when he only has 14 days with me before he goes back to Iraq for six more months, 14 days of recreation after having been there for six months already.  What did we do during that time? We drove to DC to get a fancy certificate with an embossed foil stamp that does absolutely nothing in the way of protecting Steve and I, but says everything it needs to in our eyes.
 

We were all taught as children that marriage was the union to the one you love.  Maybe our parents said the opposite sex, maybe they didn't.  The important part is that we all heard the message loud and clear.  We approach marriage with rock solid resolution, that this is it, that this is our soul mate for life and that we couldn't be happier.  To question that is questioning what you teach your own children, it's questioning someone else's marriage and the integrity of marriage itself.  It's no light decision, so if someone is willing to work so hard to get it, who are you to deny them that.

 

 

Dear brat,

I wanted to write you a note and explain myself.  I imagine by the time you are able to read this and understand it, the world will be a very different place than it is this moment, my hope is a much better place.  I wanted to explain why I waited, why I took so long doing something I wanted so bad.  I want to explain myself because I imagine by the time you read this I will have been pushing you to not hold back, to never delay and to reach for the stars.  I imagine you reading this thinking this isn’t Dad, he wouldn’t hesitate for a minute, but with you, I did.

As you already know you have two parents who love you.  I write this laughing with all certainty because even if you’re treated half as good as our two dogs now you’d make Paris Hilton jealous.  I imagine you and I at odds here and there.  You think I can be strict; I try to have too many rules and parameters.  I imagine your other dad however being a counter balance to me.  You’ll probably call him the "funner" dad since he’ll be letting you get away with crap behind my back.  We both guide you best we can to be an amazing person and I feel that you’ll get there even though I’m sure I’ll always wonder if I could have done more.

Your grandparents I’m sure will treat you like gold.  I imagine every time they come to visit or we drop you off to spend time with them I’ll be telling you to behave.  We’ll have to rein in their generosity for fear of spoiling the heck out of you.  Steve’s and my parents will embarrass us telling you stories of the crap we used to pull, you had better not get any ideas.  You’ll hear how big of a geek I was, and how brave your father was for serving this country and how scary it was to send a son to war.  You’ll know how wonderful of parents your grandparents were and how well we were raised.  You’ll also understand that family isn’t easy but it is always there.

You’ll probably live in the very same house as your father and I do now.  I picture you on the third floor, a friend of ours Adam rents that space now.  If you’re an only child I imagine you having too much space and filling it with pictures and posters.  If you have a sibling I imagine the third floor seeming bi-polar almost.  With some days the two of you getting along and others with small wars breaking out, sibling rivalry at its best.  The house is huge and it’s already like a big kids castle with all the games, an arcade machine and projector set up.  I’m sure that even though I can’t imagine how, our current game systems will be obsolete to you.  So we’ll have made room for whatever is the cool thing now that you just had to have.  Know this though, in the next year or so when it’s boring, expect to hear I told you so from me, and your other dad reminding you how much it cost and how it’s never used anymore.

You’ll have met many of our friends who we hold dear and probably the very same people we know today.  I imagine they will do their best to try and make you laugh at how silly your fathers were and how we made our own mistakes, noise and chaos in our time.  You’ll meet so many great people and friends we have made over the years and they will span this country and beyond its shores.  You’ll hear diverse stories and understand the world for the better because of it.  I imagine we’ll still be having karaoke parties and you’ll be embarrassed at watching a bunch of “old” people sing songs that are so dated, if you have even heard of them.  You’ll have so many “aunts” and “uncles” that won’t even be blood related it’s going to be ridiculous.  I know that each of them though will be your guardian angles and always there for you, like they are for your father and me.

Your father and I will have saved enough money to ensure that when you venture out into the world on your own that you can do so with a great education and bright future.  We will do our best to make sure you have a happy life, but also appreciate what you get.  I imagine when you’re able to work we’ll encourage you to get a job in the hopes you’ll appreciate making a living and be proud of doing so.  I want you to get excited about saving for something and then being able to purchase it knowing how hard you worked for it and then getting to realize the reward.

The thing I want you to understand though is why we waited.  By now you’ll know our story, what we fought for, what we stood for.  My hope is that it will seem almost comical to you.  That the world you live in is very different and that you can’t understand how people could be so hurtful, so cruel.  The reason we waited is because in some ways I’m already overprotective.  I already know you’ll be my pride and joy but I don’t want you to experience what having two dads is like right now.

I don’t want you going to school and having it be ok for people to publically ridicule your dad’s relationship.  I don’t want to have to explain why your dad’s don’t both have full custody over you.  Or explain how our marriage is acknowledged in some places and not others.  When you start to understand politics I don’t want to have to explain to you why a politician would compare us to pedophiles or our relationship to “man on horse” and be elevated instead of condemned by their party.  I never want to come home having been fired because I love your father and have the impact of hate be a financial risk to your future. 

I love you so much, I can already feel it rock my emotions to think of you being hurt by such hate.  I don’t even know your gender or name, but I know I want to protect you.  This world will not be easy, it will not be kind.  This world will also never cease to amaze you though and the beauty and wonder it brings will take your breath away daily.  Your dad I want to try and eliminate as much of the obstacles as possible, I want you to see so much more light than dark.

I hope that we aren’t too old to enjoy your youth and energy.  I hope that you feel so close to your father and I that you never need to have secrets and you allow us to be your parents and your best friend.  To be honest I worry this world won’t change, at least not in our life time.  Am I willing to continue waiting, one day regretting never had the chance to raise you, to make you more than a dream?  One day in the middle of this fight will we have passed the point of no return and lost our chance to have some piece of us carry on?  My hope is no, that you’ll read this as a vibrant youth and laugh at how silly your father was so many years ago.

I just needed you to understand that your father and I waited because we wanted you to hear our story and appreciate our struggles, but not have to live through them, all in the hopes it will make you a better person.  I hope you’ll be as proud of us for the change we tried to bring as I know we will be of you.  I hope that it will inspire you to fight for people that need it most and that in the end you realize that you deserve nothing less than your most amazing dreams.  I say this to you because if the day comes where you are reading this note, my wildest dream will have finally come true; having you.

The omelet, the cake & the slain, used as directed.

Every morning like millions of other families I make myself an omelet with some cheese and toast, as a treat maybe I’ll add some left over steak or ham to change it up.  I’m no chef but every morning I sit down and enjoy the meal I’ve made.  I appreciate it in my own way, small recognition for a skill that to some would be considered novice and by others a great accomplishment.  None the less I use my kitchen, my utensils and what I’ve learned and the outcome is my desire, my accomplishment.

Down the street from me a good friend of mine Vicky, runs a bakery.  A mere block from my house I can see the lights on every morning when I let out my dogs.  Inside at the wee hours while I’m still fast asleep Vicky makes what I can only dream of.  A magic is crafted on a daily basis with the very same tools I use to make my omelet, the end result however is something very different.  That bakery under Vicky’s wizardry makes tiered wedding cakes that reach for the heavens, with handmade decorations that almost make is seem shameful to eat.  Small cupcakes, bears claws and treats I can’t even pronounce fill a display case and wait for an eager customer to taste them.  Every morning I use my tools to make my omelet and every morning Vicky uses the very same tools to fill her bakery.

Much further away or closer I can’t be sure, in a dark place something horrible that most people can't understand is happening.  The very tools that I use every day to cut my steak or Vicky uses to slice her bread and chop fruit; those very same tools are cutting flesh.  As I smile at my accomplishment, as Vicky sells her masterpieces, some person stands over another human being and watches the life fade from their eyes and in it a murderer finds joy.  All these people stand with the same tools in hand, all these people use the tools for how they see fit, been taught or have learned, all with very different outcomes, in each of their eyes different accomplishments.

A soldier passes, inside a funeral home a family grieves, a preacher consoles them, the loss, fear, remorse and love is shared among friends and family.  Outside that same soldiers funeral protesters march, signs are held high cheering his death, touting it as god’s wrath.  Rage, hate and scorn are their lecture and the emotion they share.  All the people reacting to the soldiers death craft very different messages, preach very different sermons, the tool however, a bible, is no different.

We each choose how we use the tools provided.  The tools do not dictate us, nor the outcomes, accomplishments or results of their use.  A knife in my hand will not tear flesh, because I wield it, I am the one who holds responsibility for the work it will do.  How we choose to use the tools we are given will dictate how we and sometimes the world will be interpreted by others. 

The bible is merely that, a tool provided by a god who knew of his imperfect creations.  A book written by those imperfect creations to send his message, a message that has been adjusted for the ages, and used for very different purposes.  Does that make it wrong, or is it a test?  A tool given to humanity to see what will be created with its use.  A tool that we are responsible for in the end, a tool that’s accomplishments or failures solely rests on each of our individual shoulders.  In the end will judgement be upon how we used that tool, how we spread it's message?

One last example, walk up to a family dog and hold your hand chest high, open your palm face down toward the loyal pup.  Do this to my dogs and a tail will wag in anticipation of being pet or a well placed scratching of the ear.  Try it with another dog, a beaten dog and it will cower in retreat.   Odds are it won't be expecting a friendly pat on the head but instead something much worse.  A beaten dog will fear the hand of the kindest soul, because it only knows the pain a hand can cause.  Same tool, different result.

Take the tools at hand and do with them what you will, preach what you think, but look around and understand that many people are using that same tool to create very different things, send very different messages.  We take direction from no one but ourselves, and we will have no one to hold accountable in the end but ourselves.  When using/preaching the bible you are responsible, you are in control of what it will create or destroy, encourage or defeat.  So what is the end result when put to your hands, hate, fear or love?  Which do you think was the desired outcome of that tool?

When a sticker, is just… a sticker

  Please understand that often while I know my blogs come across as angry and seem to be slamming the LGBT community, there is good intent.  The reason I feel I can be so critical, is honestly because I think I have been on the side I am ridiculing.  That’s hard for me to admit, but I honestly know I could have been a true activist sooner.

I drive down the road regularly and notice them, our little pride stickers.  Maybe it’s HRC, or a rainbow stripe, maybe it’s a cute little family portrait of stick figures like I have on my car, with two guys holding hands, two dogs and a cat.  Whatever it is, a number of the LGBT members out there sport some little banner showing their pride.  My question is, so what?  Do you really think you’re some proponent for change?

Steve and I were walking the other day and were talking about some examples of friends who take advantage of the rights they have been afforded.  They slap some sticker on their bumper and feel they are paying homage to a great cause.  In all honesty they are enjoying the benefits of people fighting a battle that is not over.

I’ve been trying to learn our history, by that I mean the LGBT communities history.  I’ve started to gain a great respect and realized we have to finish this battle and do right by the people who fought before us.  The gay community has become complacent, we play on apps like grindr, we dance in our night clubs and we strut our stuff at pride.  We forget that all this 30 years ago could have gotten us arrested, beaten or worse yet killed.

Now I know some you think I speak blasphemy and that the mere enjoyment of these liberties is celebrating our successes.  That thought process is flawed and as blind and ignorant as the people who are seeking to take our rights away.  This is NOT what Harvey Milk, Leonard Matlovich, and the likes were fighting for.  They were not fighting for us to become complacent with a second class position.  To realize the reality of not being afforded the same benefits as other married couples, families, or even the same working rights.  They fought for the respect we deserve and we do not yet have. 

In many states we can’t get benefits, we can’t adopt, we can’t visit our dying spouse, we can’t marry, and like it or not even if a state will marry us it means nothing at a federal level.  We pay higher taxes, higher insurance cost, and can get fired, simply for who we love.  It’s even politically okay to equate us to pedophiles and bestiality. 

You may not realize any of these pains you may be lucky and live in a city, state or small town that makes you forget this reality.  Know this though, it is reality our reality, this is happening, people are dying, people are being mistreated, disrespected and dehumanized every single day.  With all of that in mind, if the most you do is throw a sticker on your car, dance and drink at a gay bar, and maybe throw five dollars into a donation bin when you go to pride, you should be ashamed.

If one LGBT member is suffering from injustice, from being treated as a second class citizen, we are all suffering.  If you don’t realize that, if you don’t feel moved to get up and start being a TRUE activist, then you are as much a part of the problem.  Our battle is not over, that should not dishearten us that should strengthen us. 

A path has been set by some amazing leaders of our past, we are moving forward but it’s not time to slow down, it’s not time to rest, it’s time to scream at the top of our lungs to fight for our community and look far beyond ourselves.  Be more than that sticker, be the part of history that makes that sticker obsolete, a sign of what used to be a division in this great country.  

One floor below real marriage

Today less than a week before our one year anniversary, three hundred and fifty nine days after the best day of my life Stephen and I took a PTO day to get our names changed.  We’ve both been going by the names Snyder-Hill ever since we decided that would be our common name as husbands.  The decision was talked over, we talked about taking each other’s names, either I becoming a Hill or he a Snyder.  We talked about both hyphenations and finally settled on Snyder-Hill.


So with that today we ventured to downtown Columbus to the court house, to the 22^nd floor (ironically just one floor below where you register your marriage license) to apply and have our names changed.  The key word there is apply, in the state of Ohio our marriage is not recognized and while we do not agree with the law, we knew there are legal alternatives to changing our name within the state and so this was it. 


While a straight married couple need only submit their marriage license to have their names changed, our process is a bit more grueling and expensive to say the least.  We were given our application, and we went to work.  We snapped pictures of the application, made mistakes and scribbled out the errors and giggled and joked while we filled out our 10 page apps.  When we got to the portion where it said to state our reason for the change we simply noted “Because we’re legally married”.  That reason may be the very reason why I will not be allowed to carry Steve’s name.


We had posted our photos already, and made snide comments about the fact that we would be paying $140, waiting six to eight weeks, posting our application in the newspaper, and going before a judge to get permission to have our names changed. Instead contrast that to simply turning in a marriage certificate like every other straight couple, not having to wait the six to eight weeks, not paying the fee and not having some judge decide for them.  None of it really mattered though because soon we would have each other’s names and how amazing would that be.


We handed the clerk our applications, pulled out our cash and waited.  He read through the apps and suddenly gave pause, “We need to talk to the magistrate”.  When we filled out the apps earlier we had half wondered if our reason would give us any problems, but given that we were just stating a fact we didn’t see any issue.  We followed the clerk across the building and were asked into the magistrate’s office. 


The women was polite and seemed at odds with the advice she was about to give.  We were told that currently a case had been elevated to the Supreme Court of Ohio and was based of this reasoning “because our marriage isn’t recognized”.  She said that our statement qualifies as circumventing the law, since marriage is defined in Ohio as two people of opposite sex.  She was relieved however to tell us this before we paid, and that we could change our reason and not risk being denied.  That’s right all we need do is lie and we could have our last names changed.


We could have written we don’t like our last name and BAM we’re Snyder-Hill.  We refused to change our reason and sat there for a minute letting it soak in.  We looked at each other and Steve didn’t like the idea of paying to submit the application and I wanted to make a point.  We both stepped out of the office defeated and a little at odds over what to do next.  We entered the elevator to head home.


Before leaving the building a realization hit us both.  If we didn’t apply, if we didn’t do this we were missing a chance to at least appeal to a judge our situation.  If we didn’t do this now, then when?  We took the elevator once more to the 22^nd floor just one floor below the marriage registration office and submitted our applications, unchanged. 


We submitted those apps because of the injustice behind this.  Using a legal method to change our names, a method where for almost any reason you can change your name were we told most likely we’ll be denied.  We need to help people understand what this is, how it truly affects us.  Marriage equality will not change anything for the people who are married.  What it will do is give dignity to the people who are being denied those same rights and being told to come up with another reason and you’ll be fine.  I will not accept shaming ourselves in what already is a degrading and second class method to take the name of a person I love, a person who has fought for his country, a person who in my eyes can be rivaled by no other.  We will not win equality by lying, by giving up because we’ve been defeated, by sitting at home pouting, or accepting status quo.  We must stand up, speak out and educate every single person that crosses our path and then going beyond that a finding people to help teach and spread the word with us.

2004 was the LGBT's fault

Imagine being in the hottest club in the biggest city of your dreams.  People dancing, some move in a rhythm you only wish you could, others clumsily, and then of course there's you, with your own private rain dance.  The music intensifies, people seem energized, some mixed track is about to blend into the hottest song of the year, you close your eyes and wait for the beat.  The song begins your body moves and you’re dancing, probably even singing out loud knowing the music will drown out your off key octaves.  Finally you open your eyes; the crowd of hundreds that was moving to a unified beat has suddenly changed; every other person is just standing and gawking.  Suddenly the song doesn’t feel so right, you don’t even feel the beat anymore, all you notice is hundreds of people standing, doing nothing.  Then without warning you notice your no longer dancing.

Early November in 2004, overnight America lost the chance of marriage equality in 23 states.  A battle struck out over “traditional marriage”; a battle trying to define what it was and more importantly what it was not.  That year when LGBT rights had probably not seen injustice of the likes, since the days of Harvey Milk, only 40% of LGBT memebers voted the other 60% did nothing.   Our community failed.

When a bill is put to vote, how does it win?  When a team wins, is it the higher or the lower score that takes the trophy (excluding bowling and golf)?  In 2004 a super majority within our very own community did not vote.  We gave our opposing side a twelve point bump.  Let me repeat that, we gave our opposing side a double digit lead right off the bat.  Well surpassing even the margin of error.

A fast math class lesson, you may say wait 60% of the LGBT community would only equal 6% of the entire population.  You’re right, but if 6% does not vote for our side then we don’t neutralize 6% of the opposing sides vote.  So now we have lost 6% of support they still maintain that 6% support and now suddenly bigotry gains by 12%.

So this is how we failed, we didn’t even find our own unified voice, less than half of us danced.  If each of those 60% of the LGBT had been more involved, had as much passion as those who did go out to vote and educate.  Had 100% of the LGBT community been involved what would have happened?  This year is not unlike 2004, except candidates are not bothering to let interest groups sell anti-gay laws and hate.  They are outwardly promoting these laws themselves and are willing to set the LGBT back years.

We failed in 2004, I accept that.  Just because your friends are gay does not mean they understand what you are saying, or how important this really is.  I have had friends who follow me to events, who support me and so I thought they were doing the same, when in fact not all of them were.  Unless you ask directly, unless you push the conversation to the point where it clicks, you have not done enough.

The people that oppose us were not handed a flier, they weren’t given a 35 second elevator speech.  They have gone to churches for years, heard their parents, grandparents, brothers, aunts, uncles, or whomever else’s warped sense of reality, that we are wrong.  So if you think you will alter their frame of thought easily, you have not been paying attention and like it or not they are much more organized then we are.  They have churches, private schools, and that doesn’t even include the political backing that hits their message home, every minute, of every hour, of every day, and it never rests.

Activism is a contact sport, no it’s not physical, but your emotion will be bruised.  The LGBT is a minority but understand that the only reason people fear and shun us, is because they have been taught to do so, they have been taught to fear what they don’t understand.  The one most organic thing we all understand is love, connect with people on that level and the fear subsides.  2012 cannot be a repeat of 2004; we cannot afford to fall backward after making so much progress.  We are alarming people by our strength, if we rest on that, on what we know is morally right and expect everyone else to make the right decisions, we will lose.  Love is the easiest thing to understand but fear and inaction will bring out the worst in all of us.

"I've got to go, I think that was a mortar"

As you sit there and ponder, evolve, or debate your stand on equal rights, think about this, you’re pondering MY LIFE. Imagine your husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend halfway across the world, you haven’t seen them for nearly six months and instead of your normal goodbyes your conversation is interrupted by an explosion your loved one quickly says "I've got to go, I think that was a mortar” and the line disconnects. That’s happened to me today and it’s not the first time.

Now imagine someone tells you that your love is corrupt or disgusting. Imagine thinking if something ever went wrong you could be the last to know, if at all. Imagine knowing that a hospital could deny you access to your loved one by the simple request of a family member. Imagine being left behind to manage life without any support. Imagine being told you’re not good enough to marry someone you would lay your life on the line for.

The next time you’re asked what your stand on equality is, put yourself in my shoes, in the shoes of the LGBT community. The next time you roll your eyes because you see another equality ad or post and think; give it rest, or what do I care, think about what you’re really rolling your eyes at. The next time you see some person cry at the loss of a LGBT suicide, think about how close they may have come to taking their own life. Think about how it would feel to fear and loath your own existence for something you have no control over.

I have a chip on my shoulder, I have avoided even denied it but I can’t anymore. I am married but in the state of Ohio right now that means nothing. If Steve and I didn’t have supportive families, we could lose everything. If one of us fell ill we could be blocked from visitation. If one of us passed we could be denied the ability to say goodbye. If Steve had been killed by that mortar today, I may not have found out for weeks, maybe even months. While I am lucky with a family that would not allow that, I can’t help but realize how so many are not as fortunate. I have been complacent, I will not be anymore. If you are my friend support equality and if you don’t, my suggestion to you is keep it to yourself and stay out of my way.

This past year has opened my eyes, this past hour has filled me with passion. I will not accept being content, I will not accept separate but equal. Character is not shown in a time of comfort; character is shown in a time of challenge, and consequence. I’m going to build character, REAL CHARACTER, are you?

Your Vote, IS NOT ENOUGH.

If there is one thing I have learned, it's that my vote is a final effort of what must be a greater cause. I do believe that every vote counts, I do believe that we all should vote, but if we don't have open dialog, it is all for not.

The reality is the LGBT is a minority.  I’m sure you read that and think no shit, but do you actually realize what that means?  Our own community has become so comfortable that a majority do not vote.  In 2004, 23 states won the battle against marriage equality, meaning it was actually made illegal to be gay and married.  In that year 60% (a CNN poll) of the LGBT community DID NOT VOTE.  Let me repeat this, in 2004 when a presidential candidate ran for office using bigotry against the LGBT community to energize the base, six out of every ten gay men and women sat at home and did not cast a vote.

This is why your vote is not enough, but your voice in combination with it is!  Take me for example; I have had the amazing privilege of speaking in front of over 3,000 people.  Do you know how many people I can say for sure I have convinced to vote? Ten, I can say with great pride and conviction that I have seen the light switch click, the OMG moment cross a person’s mind and a point of view change, and I am proud of this, but I can only say that with 100% confidence for those ten people.

Take the time and start to talk to your friends.  You may think they are going to vote, you may think they are helping people understand our rights are being denied.  The thing is you don’t know until you ask.  I have been very involved in politics and our rights for some time now, even with that I have come to realize I have close friends who were not taking it serious, who were not going to vote. 

We are a minority and if our rights are being put to a vote that means we all have to work.  Our rights, our lives are being put in the hands of a majority of people who do not understand.  I have awesome news though, a majority of people are good, a majority of people will listen to reason.  The commercials that ran in 2004 were demoralizing and inaccurate we all knew that, but guess what a majority didn’t.  They looked at those commercials as a resource, as a tool educating them on an issue they didn’t understand.  There was a connection made to fears, to stereo types, to outright lies. 

We are better than that; we can explain what’s really going on.  People know love just as well as they know fear, the best thing is when you make someone choose one over the other, they pick love!  When you have someone stand in your shoes, when you make them think of how it would feel to have their husband or wife be shamed or treated as less, when you make them think of how much they love their children, the fear that comes from not understanding melts away and the passion for love overrides.


When I walk into the voting booth this November I will imagine the line of people I have created.  I will think of the people that were not going to vote, the people who were going to vote against my rights but changed their minds.  I will think of all the conversations that may have felt repetitive, that may have been less fun then drinking, or joking, or even sleeping.  I will smile and know that I have gone far beyond being just one vote; I have been one voice that has influenced many.  I want everyone I know to feel this same way, that they have become a much bigger denominator, that they have influenced people to understand and help our fight.  My one vote is not enough, but I know for a fact that I have stretched far beyond that one vote.  Have you?

Can We Talk About Politics Later?

"Can we talk about politics later?" I have heard this many times and yes it may be, no in fact is because I am an auditory person and need to get things out.  This is a real question, and I can understand where maybe someone feels it’s time to just give it a rest, but is it? 

I can’t deny that I do get shiny object disorder and get distracted from things at times.  I can understand how maybe we all want to escape the serious things in life.  Here is my concern though, if not now, when?  When is it time to take this serious and defend our rights?  When do we realize every chance we don’t take to educate someone is a chance of losing by one more vote?

When we take on a project at work do we get to stop and say well I’m bored with this, or this is too much work I’m done.  When we send our brave soldiers overseas, do we ever think ok this is taking too long I don’t care?  Do you think those soldiers ever do that?  The reality is they may want to, we all want to give in and just take a break, but the thing is they don’t.  They fight till the mission is complete or till death.

If you’re not willing to fight for your freedom right now then why bother at all?  I had a good friend say to me the other night “I don’t vote because I was raised to think it doesn’t affect me”.  My gut reaction is to reach across the table and smack him.  He’s been my friend for years and this is what he says?!  I have spoken about rights in meetings, at rallies with a crowd of three thousand plus people.  All the while hoping I get the message across and here is one of my best friends who I’ve known for years, who hasn’t even picked it up yet.

If even for one minute you think it’s time to give it a rest, you’re not an activist, you’re not fighting for our rights, you’re not fighting for YOUR rights.  Steve made a great point the other day; we pay taxes right now to help John Boehner discriminate against us.  For everything we buy, John gets money, for every hour of pay we receive John gets even more money, we are paying to be treated as second class citizens every single minute of every single day.  So if you think it’s time to give it a rest then clearly you have not gotten the message, the people working at upholding these laws are not resting.  Hell they have been so good at this battle that they have you paying for your own oppression right now.

So the next time someone tells you to give it a rest, or asks if we have to talk about politics now, pause and take a moment to look at your surroundings.  Odds are you’ll be out eating, watching a movie, at some theme park, or hell even tipping a drag queen.  Calmly reply; I can’t give it a rest because I can’t stand that right now the taxes I am paying on this food, this movie, that our gay bar is paying, are funding the very laws that prevent me from marrying my partner, from adopting a child, or from knowing my family will be safe when I pass. 

I will give it a rest when I have equal rights or when my body can’t carry on anymore.  I will make change or I will die trying and no one will say or have proof otherwise when they speak of me.

MarriageEvolved

So, I want to challenge you. I have tried my hand in activism, and God knows that I am definitely an activist now. In my quest to try and make change and not just noise, I have had friends support my crazy ideas like dontsayh8 or my rants on here. I have realized something though as of late, what good does it do? I know I have friends who have signed on and will fight the fight, Zac, Ty, Bennie and of course Steve (hell, he's the bravest of us all), but how do I cause massive change, how do we?

I got married in May of 2011 to man I love more than anything; to a man I would lay my own life on the line for. To be very frank, for a man who has laid his life on the line for every person reading this blog and those who never will. I think that's one of the main reasons I have become so crazed by causing true and real change. I want to alter peoples thought, I want people to go beyond clicking 'like' or sharing my links. I want all my friends to become part of a movement, and I want them to expect the same of their friends!

Right now my marriage is not recognized in the state where I live. I know brave families, who have children, and who are on this case with Steve and I. Families who are willing to sacrifice their lives for every single one of you. Yet NONE of them have promises that their families will be OK if the worst should happen. Some of those very heroes live with diseases that are a grim reality. And how are they spending their few remaining days that are winding down in front of them? They spend them fighting for their families wellbeing for when they are gone, rather than enjoying what little time they have left with their family.

I do not care if you love a person of the same gender or not, you are affected by this. You have family, friends, coworkers, or just a friendly stranger who are being treated like second rate human beings. They are being told that who they love is not normal, is not OK, and is vile. Would you ever stand for another person saying that to you, your children, your parents, your grandparents, your best friends, or anyone you cared for? No you wouldn't, so why are you now? 

Over for the next few weeks/months Steve and I will take even larger steps to wake people up. With that said, I want to challenge you, AND I TRULY MEAN YOU! If you are my friend, if you respect me as a human being, and if you are reading this, I am putting a true challenge to you. MAKE CHANGE, BE AN ACTIVIST, and STOP INEQUALITY.

If you live in a state like Ohio, it is time to truly make an impact. If your state does not support equality and you are not married, but plan to get married, I have a huge request.  It's not for just me, it's for every LGBT member out there. Get married in a state that DOES support equality, do your gift registry with small businesses in states that DO support equality, spend your honeymoon there. Start to MAKE AN IMPACT! Show the leaders of Ohio that, if this great state, or any state for that matter, will not support equality, that YOU WILL NOT SUPPORT IT. Even If you're married spend your anniversary vacation enjoying a city like NYC that supports equality.


This sounds huge and it is a ton to ask, but do you really think clicking 'like' on my post is doing a damn thing? Do you think the eight couples fighting for this will be enough? NO! Why do you think we are all putting our necks out there to spread the word of what we are being denied? It's because we need support FROM EVERYONE. We need people making statements, talking to friends, and making an impact on what this really means.

I will make one last point and leave it to you. I ask that if you support me, you make a vow to take your business to a state that DOES support marriage equality! I am not asking you to leave your family, live on the other side of the earth, risk a bullet that could end your life, or a mortar that could take you from your family. I am asking you to take an amazing moment in your life and use it to not only show your love to your husband or wife, but to make a stand.  A stand that will not risk your life, but a  stand that will help cause change and show that you would never deny someone the amazing love you have found yourself. I want to see who will commit to this. I have people who are not friends already making this promise, will you?

Write me an email or make me a video and explain how you will MAKE CHANGE how you will be a TRUE activist. Spread the word, get commitments, PUSH PEOPLE! We can send a message across the country that we will no longer just sit back and sign a bill or click 'share', a message that we will make a financial impact that will send a booming message. Imagine how huge a message can be when people are leaving their states in droves to show support for equality. So do this! Spread this! Please help me make this happen! MAKE them hear our message!

I want MarriageEvolved, I want equal rights and damn it I deserve them!

The gays' war against Catholic adoption

I could not help but be excited this evening when I heard Newt state that the gays were part and partial to a bigotry against religion. Newt whom of course is always factual (stop laughing and pay attention here) sited a situation where Catholic churches were forced to shut down adoptions agencies because the state was forcing them to adopt to the LGBT community.

Now I know that we all assume these candidates speak nothing but truths. However ironically enough after some intense research I found some error in Newts proclamation. To clarify, by intense research I mean I googled "catholic church adoption lgbt" and hit enter, Newt is a busy man after all he can't be bothered with fact checking.

It turns out the Catholic church adoption agencies were not forced to shut down by the state because they denied LGBT couple adoptions. They were however denied public funding for their adoption program since they would not adopt to the LGBT community.

Now the argument here would be that this is a war on religion but the church was not being told they had to adopt to LGBT parents. The church was told that if they were going to take tax payers money, money that was from all walks of life, all beliefs, all religions that they would have to follow the states law. The church was free to deny LGBT parents from adopting, just not with public funds.

So I apologize if my blog title has misled you. There is no war on adoption at least not against the Catholics. I mean sure they are willing to shut down an entire program that would provide homes to children in need. All because of the nasty gays. They can build amazing cathedrals tax free with their own money but can't use their own money to find children homes (they need government money to do that). Steve made a great point "Christians are allowed to marry, adopt children, and serve openly in the military. Those three things are currently a threat for gay people." So who is really being denied?

I will continue to search for signs of this gay agenda that I am apparently part of. All I can report to date is that the only movement seems to be against the LGBT. I am a second class citizen, I am not an equal and I am denied rights. If my agenda is to take care of the one I love, to raise a child in a happy, healthy and financially sound life then I guess I am guilty. This agenda seems more like a to-do list in my eyes since it really only pertains to me.

Santorum, the gays' best friend?

I know, I know I probably owe you a new coffee because you've spit it out in disbelief (I hope you at least turned away from the computer). Hear me out though, I think Rick should be someone we get to know and embrace.

I'm not going to be silly and say it's because of Dan Savage and what he's done to this good man's name. It's not even because I'm trying to fix the friendship that could have been between Steve and Rick (google the booed soldier). Sure he would annul every same sex marriage, he's compared us to polygamist and bestiality, he thinks the repeal of DADT was a special privilege to the LGBT but maybe just maybe we can benefit from Ricky.

Gay rights have ignited in America. States are recognizing gay marriage, DOMA is being challenged on multiple fronts, DADT has been repealed. At the same time laws are being written to protect bullies of the LGBT, states are eliminating domestic partner benefits, and other states are still trying to constitutionally block marriage equality. Progress is being made on both fronts, for and against true equality.

Now coming out of the Iowa caucus steps our friend Rick Santorum the poster child for all things righteous. You see I don't see Rick as a threat, I see him as talking point. Rick is an open door to discussions about what marriage equality really is and what it isn't. The biggest misconceptions that everyone has about the LGBT community are Rick's playbook.  If you have ever wanted to talk about misconceived notions about the LGBT community but couldn't find an easy way to work it into conversation. You've got it now! So long as your target audience hasn't googled his name that is.


Let people know that marriage equality wouldn't be forced on churches, that the LGBT just want equal rights and the security marriage brings for the people we love.  That no one will be forced to teach gay sex in schools. That ministers and preachers will be able to observe marriage however they see fit with their beliefs.  That there are codes of conduct in the army on sexual acts and they apply to the LGBT without DADT.  That all DADT did was make soldiers lie when asked personal questions, hide pictures of family, and even ask family members to leave their own home.  Every point Rick makes about the LGBT can be debunked and he helps us show the lunacy behind those views. Study Rick Santorum tonight get all his talking points and tomorrow take it to the streets.  Ask people what they think about Rick. Talk about his views and coolly, confidently and intelligently deconstruct his campaign.


We don't need to hate Rick it's not worth the energy. If we are all smart while Rick has the spot light we will use this time to educate friends, family and complete strangers. Then once Ricks star falls back to earth and he gets sent home with his tail between his legs we should all write him a thank you letter, I know I will.

Politics are so gay.

"I don't follow politics"  

I

L

I must admit I find this statement both frustrating and perplexing from anyone in the LGBT community. Unless of course your in the closet then maybe, just maybe I could understand this blind, ignorant and just down right stupid statement.

O

V

To understand my view let's flash back to 2004, I stood on the side of a main highway heading into Cleveland, it was November and I was freezing my ass off holding a big banner with the name Kerry across it. In all honesty I was there to help a friend and chat with a guy I thought was cute and nothing more. Keep in mind this was the year of prop 8. I had read the news, listened to the commercials, and watched the videos. The gay community was a soap box, our heads being used to elevate fear mongering, close minded, and misleading campaigns. But I was an optimist and scoffed at such blind fear bordering on bigotry. Holding that banner was mostly a self serving moment with a hint of favor to a friend. I woke up November 3rd 2004 to a dark reality, a rude awakening.

E

S

Late 2004, 13 states joined the ranks of making constitutional amendments against gay marriage. 13 more states would follow over the next five years bringing us to current day with 29 states stripping the LGBT of marriage equality. November 3rd 2004 an anger filled me, an anger with myself more then the candidate who used us. For years I had expected other people to do the work for me and the LGBT community and figured all would work out in my favor, I was only one voice anyway what did it matter. I was wrong.

T

E

If your part of the LGBT community you ARE INVOLVED IN POLITICS. It doesn't matter if your party is in office, or if your fiscal and social views don't align under a specific party ideal. Your rights are up for discussion right now, a bartering chip to pull on peoples fears or compassion. Forking out millions of dollars for ads comparing us to a war on religion, in stump speeches equating us to pedophiles or yes even telling our soldiers that repealing DADT is giving special privilege to the LGBT. The LGBT communities rights are under attack and yet someone from our community can say "I don't follow politics". It's irresponsible, wreck less, and cowardice to think your not in politics, because you are being used by politics right now.

V

E

I won't go down some path to try and point out the current candidates and where they stand in my opinion to LGBT rights. I will say this though: it does matter, it matters until our rights are viewed as just that, rights. Until we are taken seriously as human beings, as individuals who are not less then but equals in this country. The small steps that have been made for the LGBT are through politics, convincing elected leaders to support our cause, to recognize our injustice. Like it or not the political machine is our only hope and acting above it or turning a blind eye, is spitting in the faces of every LGBT person you know.

M

H

Dancing at pride or throwing a non-profit sticker onto a car is not doing your part if "you don't follow politics". Pride is an evolution from what were protest with paper bags on heads to hide identities, marching down the street knowing you could be arrested or beat. Announcing your sexuality could mean jail time or loss of a job and still could.   Turn around and walk back into your closet until your willing to do your part, because we are far from being able to ignore the inequality that still exists and if someone chooses to do so then I say they shouldn't reap the benefits of what little progress we have made.

I
L

In 2004 it was written into law that I could not marry the person I love in the state of Ohio. Seven years later I would have to drive six hours one way to Washington D.C. to marry Steve. Forget that he was only home for two weeks from Iraq, forget that our families couldn't come with us, all I could think was that this was, in part my fault. Seven years ago "I didn't follow politics", now I fell victim to that ignorance, to that crime and now I pay the price.

L

The LGBT community is not equal and until it is politics should be our life. We should learn every candidates position, and educate our friends (gay or straight) on how those decisions affect our rights, our lives. Take pride in yourself, in our community, politics are how this great democracy is run and rights won. We are a nation built on diversity but that comes at a price. Equality is reached by helping others see that we are not all that different, that we want nothing more then to love and be loved to be a family and be safe.

So if you truly "don't follow politics" don't come to pride, don't throw an HRC sticker on your car, don't click "like" on some funny marriage equality picture or page. Your insulting the people who have risked everything and those who continue to do so to further our cause. We are a minority and we need every one's help, how can we ever ask our allies to help us if we aren't doing it ourselves. How can we ever fight for our rights if some of us stand on the sidelines and wait for a miracle.