One floor below real marriage

Today less than a week before our one year anniversary, three hundred and fifty nine days after the best day of my life Stephen and I took a PTO day to get our names changed.  We’ve both been going by the names Snyder-Hill ever since we decided that would be our common name as husbands.  The decision was talked over, we talked about taking each other’s names, either I becoming a Hill or he a Snyder.  We talked about both hyphenations and finally settled on Snyder-Hill.


So with that today we ventured to downtown Columbus to the court house, to the 22^nd floor (ironically just one floor below where you register your marriage license) to apply and have our names changed.  The key word there is apply, in the state of Ohio our marriage is not recognized and while we do not agree with the law, we knew there are legal alternatives to changing our name within the state and so this was it. 


While a straight married couple need only submit their marriage license to have their names changed, our process is a bit more grueling and expensive to say the least.  We were given our application, and we went to work.  We snapped pictures of the application, made mistakes and scribbled out the errors and giggled and joked while we filled out our 10 page apps.  When we got to the portion where it said to state our reason for the change we simply noted “Because we’re legally married”.  That reason may be the very reason why I will not be allowed to carry Steve’s name.


We had posted our photos already, and made snide comments about the fact that we would be paying $140, waiting six to eight weeks, posting our application in the newspaper, and going before a judge to get permission to have our names changed. Instead contrast that to simply turning in a marriage certificate like every other straight couple, not having to wait the six to eight weeks, not paying the fee and not having some judge decide for them.  None of it really mattered though because soon we would have each other’s names and how amazing would that be.


We handed the clerk our applications, pulled out our cash and waited.  He read through the apps and suddenly gave pause, “We need to talk to the magistrate”.  When we filled out the apps earlier we had half wondered if our reason would give us any problems, but given that we were just stating a fact we didn’t see any issue.  We followed the clerk across the building and were asked into the magistrate’s office. 


The women was polite and seemed at odds with the advice she was about to give.  We were told that currently a case had been elevated to the Supreme Court of Ohio and was based of this reasoning “because our marriage isn’t recognized”.  She said that our statement qualifies as circumventing the law, since marriage is defined in Ohio as two people of opposite sex.  She was relieved however to tell us this before we paid, and that we could change our reason and not risk being denied.  That’s right all we need do is lie and we could have our last names changed.


We could have written we don’t like our last name and BAM we’re Snyder-Hill.  We refused to change our reason and sat there for a minute letting it soak in.  We looked at each other and Steve didn’t like the idea of paying to submit the application and I wanted to make a point.  We both stepped out of the office defeated and a little at odds over what to do next.  We entered the elevator to head home.


Before leaving the building a realization hit us both.  If we didn’t apply, if we didn’t do this we were missing a chance to at least appeal to a judge our situation.  If we didn’t do this now, then when?  We took the elevator once more to the 22^nd floor just one floor below the marriage registration office and submitted our applications, unchanged. 


We submitted those apps because of the injustice behind this.  Using a legal method to change our names, a method where for almost any reason you can change your name were we told most likely we’ll be denied.  We need to help people understand what this is, how it truly affects us.  Marriage equality will not change anything for the people who are married.  What it will do is give dignity to the people who are being denied those same rights and being told to come up with another reason and you’ll be fine.  I will not accept shaming ourselves in what already is a degrading and second class method to take the name of a person I love, a person who has fought for his country, a person who in my eyes can be rivaled by no other.  We will not win equality by lying, by giving up because we’ve been defeated, by sitting at home pouting, or accepting status quo.  We must stand up, speak out and educate every single person that crosses our path and then going beyond that a finding people to help teach and spread the word with us.

2004 was the LGBT's fault

Imagine being in the hottest club in the biggest city of your dreams.  People dancing, some move in a rhythm you only wish you could, others clumsily, and then of course there's you, with your own private rain dance.  The music intensifies, people seem energized, some mixed track is about to blend into the hottest song of the year, you close your eyes and wait for the beat.  The song begins your body moves and you’re dancing, probably even singing out loud knowing the music will drown out your off key octaves.  Finally you open your eyes; the crowd of hundreds that was moving to a unified beat has suddenly changed; every other person is just standing and gawking.  Suddenly the song doesn’t feel so right, you don’t even feel the beat anymore, all you notice is hundreds of people standing, doing nothing.  Then without warning you notice your no longer dancing.

Early November in 2004, overnight America lost the chance of marriage equality in 23 states.  A battle struck out over “traditional marriage”; a battle trying to define what it was and more importantly what it was not.  That year when LGBT rights had probably not seen injustice of the likes, since the days of Harvey Milk, only 40% of LGBT memebers voted the other 60% did nothing.   Our community failed.

When a bill is put to vote, how does it win?  When a team wins, is it the higher or the lower score that takes the trophy (excluding bowling and golf)?  In 2004 a super majority within our very own community did not vote.  We gave our opposing side a twelve point bump.  Let me repeat that, we gave our opposing side a double digit lead right off the bat.  Well surpassing even the margin of error.

A fast math class lesson, you may say wait 60% of the LGBT community would only equal 6% of the entire population.  You’re right, but if 6% does not vote for our side then we don’t neutralize 6% of the opposing sides vote.  So now we have lost 6% of support they still maintain that 6% support and now suddenly bigotry gains by 12%.

So this is how we failed, we didn’t even find our own unified voice, less than half of us danced.  If each of those 60% of the LGBT had been more involved, had as much passion as those who did go out to vote and educate.  Had 100% of the LGBT community been involved what would have happened?  This year is not unlike 2004, except candidates are not bothering to let interest groups sell anti-gay laws and hate.  They are outwardly promoting these laws themselves and are willing to set the LGBT back years.

We failed in 2004, I accept that.  Just because your friends are gay does not mean they understand what you are saying, or how important this really is.  I have had friends who follow me to events, who support me and so I thought they were doing the same, when in fact not all of them were.  Unless you ask directly, unless you push the conversation to the point where it clicks, you have not done enough.

The people that oppose us were not handed a flier, they weren’t given a 35 second elevator speech.  They have gone to churches for years, heard their parents, grandparents, brothers, aunts, uncles, or whomever else’s warped sense of reality, that we are wrong.  So if you think you will alter their frame of thought easily, you have not been paying attention and like it or not they are much more organized then we are.  They have churches, private schools, and that doesn’t even include the political backing that hits their message home, every minute, of every hour, of every day, and it never rests.

Activism is a contact sport, no it’s not physical, but your emotion will be bruised.  The LGBT is a minority but understand that the only reason people fear and shun us, is because they have been taught to do so, they have been taught to fear what they don’t understand.  The one most organic thing we all understand is love, connect with people on that level and the fear subsides.  2012 cannot be a repeat of 2004; we cannot afford to fall backward after making so much progress.  We are alarming people by our strength, if we rest on that, on what we know is morally right and expect everyone else to make the right decisions, we will lose.  Love is the easiest thing to understand but fear and inaction will bring out the worst in all of us.

"I've got to go, I think that was a mortar"

As you sit there and ponder, evolve, or debate your stand on equal rights, think about this, you’re pondering MY LIFE. Imagine your husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend halfway across the world, you haven’t seen them for nearly six months and instead of your normal goodbyes your conversation is interrupted by an explosion your loved one quickly says "I've got to go, I think that was a mortar” and the line disconnects. That’s happened to me today and it’s not the first time.

Now imagine someone tells you that your love is corrupt or disgusting. Imagine thinking if something ever went wrong you could be the last to know, if at all. Imagine knowing that a hospital could deny you access to your loved one by the simple request of a family member. Imagine being left behind to manage life without any support. Imagine being told you’re not good enough to marry someone you would lay your life on the line for.

The next time you’re asked what your stand on equality is, put yourself in my shoes, in the shoes of the LGBT community. The next time you roll your eyes because you see another equality ad or post and think; give it rest, or what do I care, think about what you’re really rolling your eyes at. The next time you see some person cry at the loss of a LGBT suicide, think about how close they may have come to taking their own life. Think about how it would feel to fear and loath your own existence for something you have no control over.

I have a chip on my shoulder, I have avoided even denied it but I can’t anymore. I am married but in the state of Ohio right now that means nothing. If Steve and I didn’t have supportive families, we could lose everything. If one of us fell ill we could be blocked from visitation. If one of us passed we could be denied the ability to say goodbye. If Steve had been killed by that mortar today, I may not have found out for weeks, maybe even months. While I am lucky with a family that would not allow that, I can’t help but realize how so many are not as fortunate. I have been complacent, I will not be anymore. If you are my friend support equality and if you don’t, my suggestion to you is keep it to yourself and stay out of my way.

This past year has opened my eyes, this past hour has filled me with passion. I will not accept being content, I will not accept separate but equal. Character is not shown in a time of comfort; character is shown in a time of challenge, and consequence. I’m going to build character, REAL CHARACTER, are you?

Your Vote, IS NOT ENOUGH.

If there is one thing I have learned, it's that my vote is a final effort of what must be a greater cause. I do believe that every vote counts, I do believe that we all should vote, but if we don't have open dialog, it is all for not.

The reality is the LGBT is a minority.  I’m sure you read that and think no shit, but do you actually realize what that means?  Our own community has become so comfortable that a majority do not vote.  In 2004, 23 states won the battle against marriage equality, meaning it was actually made illegal to be gay and married.  In that year 60% (a CNN poll) of the LGBT community DID NOT VOTE.  Let me repeat this, in 2004 when a presidential candidate ran for office using bigotry against the LGBT community to energize the base, six out of every ten gay men and women sat at home and did not cast a vote.

This is why your vote is not enough, but your voice in combination with it is!  Take me for example; I have had the amazing privilege of speaking in front of over 3,000 people.  Do you know how many people I can say for sure I have convinced to vote? Ten, I can say with great pride and conviction that I have seen the light switch click, the OMG moment cross a person’s mind and a point of view change, and I am proud of this, but I can only say that with 100% confidence for those ten people.

Take the time and start to talk to your friends.  You may think they are going to vote, you may think they are helping people understand our rights are being denied.  The thing is you don’t know until you ask.  I have been very involved in politics and our rights for some time now, even with that I have come to realize I have close friends who were not taking it serious, who were not going to vote. 

We are a minority and if our rights are being put to a vote that means we all have to work.  Our rights, our lives are being put in the hands of a majority of people who do not understand.  I have awesome news though, a majority of people are good, a majority of people will listen to reason.  The commercials that ran in 2004 were demoralizing and inaccurate we all knew that, but guess what a majority didn’t.  They looked at those commercials as a resource, as a tool educating them on an issue they didn’t understand.  There was a connection made to fears, to stereo types, to outright lies. 

We are better than that; we can explain what’s really going on.  People know love just as well as they know fear, the best thing is when you make someone choose one over the other, they pick love!  When you have someone stand in your shoes, when you make them think of how it would feel to have their husband or wife be shamed or treated as less, when you make them think of how much they love their children, the fear that comes from not understanding melts away and the passion for love overrides.


When I walk into the voting booth this November I will imagine the line of people I have created.  I will think of the people that were not going to vote, the people who were going to vote against my rights but changed their minds.  I will think of all the conversations that may have felt repetitive, that may have been less fun then drinking, or joking, or even sleeping.  I will smile and know that I have gone far beyond being just one vote; I have been one voice that has influenced many.  I want everyone I know to feel this same way, that they have become a much bigger denominator, that they have influenced people to understand and help our fight.  My one vote is not enough, but I know for a fact that I have stretched far beyond that one vote.  Have you?

Can We Talk About Politics Later?

"Can we talk about politics later?" I have heard this many times and yes it may be, no in fact is because I am an auditory person and need to get things out.  This is a real question, and I can understand where maybe someone feels it’s time to just give it a rest, but is it? 

I can’t deny that I do get shiny object disorder and get distracted from things at times.  I can understand how maybe we all want to escape the serious things in life.  Here is my concern though, if not now, when?  When is it time to take this serious and defend our rights?  When do we realize every chance we don’t take to educate someone is a chance of losing by one more vote?

When we take on a project at work do we get to stop and say well I’m bored with this, or this is too much work I’m done.  When we send our brave soldiers overseas, do we ever think ok this is taking too long I don’t care?  Do you think those soldiers ever do that?  The reality is they may want to, we all want to give in and just take a break, but the thing is they don’t.  They fight till the mission is complete or till death.

If you’re not willing to fight for your freedom right now then why bother at all?  I had a good friend say to me the other night “I don’t vote because I was raised to think it doesn’t affect me”.  My gut reaction is to reach across the table and smack him.  He’s been my friend for years and this is what he says?!  I have spoken about rights in meetings, at rallies with a crowd of three thousand plus people.  All the while hoping I get the message across and here is one of my best friends who I’ve known for years, who hasn’t even picked it up yet.

If even for one minute you think it’s time to give it a rest, you’re not an activist, you’re not fighting for our rights, you’re not fighting for YOUR rights.  Steve made a great point the other day; we pay taxes right now to help John Boehner discriminate against us.  For everything we buy, John gets money, for every hour of pay we receive John gets even more money, we are paying to be treated as second class citizens every single minute of every single day.  So if you think it’s time to give it a rest then clearly you have not gotten the message, the people working at upholding these laws are not resting.  Hell they have been so good at this battle that they have you paying for your own oppression right now.

So the next time someone tells you to give it a rest, or asks if we have to talk about politics now, pause and take a moment to look at your surroundings.  Odds are you’ll be out eating, watching a movie, at some theme park, or hell even tipping a drag queen.  Calmly reply; I can’t give it a rest because I can’t stand that right now the taxes I am paying on this food, this movie, that our gay bar is paying, are funding the very laws that prevent me from marrying my partner, from adopting a child, or from knowing my family will be safe when I pass. 

I will give it a rest when I have equal rights or when my body can’t carry on anymore.  I will make change or I will die trying and no one will say or have proof otherwise when they speak of me.