I
have been out; I have been out for almost half my life. There is an
interesting thing though that happens to me almost every single day. I am
faced with the decision to come out to strangers, people that for some reason
or another start up conversation and decide to delve down a path normally
assuming my sexuality.
I
am a confident gay man, for the love of god I’ve been on TV talking about my
husband; I’ve been on floats in pride parades. Most would think it’s
indisputable how “out” I am. The strange thing is though that many times
I just avoid coming out to strangers. We meet new people every single
day, and each day there is an opportunity that those individuals pry just
enough and who you love pops into conversation.
Think
of it, I wear a wedding ring, all too often people see a wedding ring and
realize marriage as a point of conversation. It’s innocent enough and
with the best intentions. More often than not though I’m asked what my
wife’s name is. So there I sit, at best minutes into a new relationship,
one that will most likely last for the length of a checkout line or at best the
length of a flight. I immediately am put in the position of coming out. It’s
not like I’m ashamed but my head races, is it worth the possible uncomfortable conversation? Should I just play along? Do I need to be ready for
my soap box speech? This is a frequent if not daily decision we in the LGBT
community deal with.
Steve
and I have been to many events; we’ve flown to many of states and passed
through more than our fare share of body scanners. If you don’t know it
already Steve and I are adorned with tattoos, they encompass our right arms. Along
with that I wear Steve’s dog tags, so if the two of us are within your eyesight
together you immediately know we are connected in some way.
During
one of our many airport security checks last summer Steve and I separately
managed our way through TSA wearing our normal attire, a tank top and shorts. Steve
went through the old-fashioned metal detector and I went through the one that
shows me practically naked to some individual who supposedly is far away (I
still have questions as to how true that is). As I waited to be cleared
after my scan, the TSA guard on the other side decided to spark up
conversation.
“That’s
a nice tattoo great colors” the compliment was genuine and for that I thanked
him. “You in the army?” he inquired pointing at Steve’s dog tags around
my neck. “Nope, they’re his” I pointed to Steve over my shoulder
gathering his shoes from the x-ray machine. “Oh WOW, you guys have the
same tattoos” I nod in agreement “your brother huh?” I replied with a half
laugh, “yeah something like that” and moved on.
It’s
odd, I was faced with a simple moment of honesty and maybe even education for
this nice man. What did I do? I avoided it, I moved on and let him
believe what he wanted. More than likely in some instances we just let it
go, realizing no ill intent is at hand and not wanting to deal with it. Why
though? Why did I walk away, would it have made a difference maybe? Could
he have been nasty to me, possibly? In the matter of seconds I lied, I
shoved myself back into a closet rather than be proud of who I am, what I have
become and all the amazing change I fight for was abandoned just because I
didn't want to deal with it.
I
sat on a plane once and spoke to a man on a return flight from FL. Our
conversation was great, I spoke of Steve without gender or assigning a name,
the other half, or better half works well enough (it’s how I’ve trained
myself). I spoke of what he did where we married and this gentleman sat
and listened and then shared parts of his life. I assumed by his lack of
digging he understood I was gay, that’s normally why I avoid gender, to try and
raise awareness to people that it’s not on a sleeve nor is it important in the
grand scheme of things as to who I love. The plane landed and he handed
me his business card. “The next time my wife and I are in town let’s all
do dinner”. I took his card and exchanged it with my own. He added
one last question, “I feel so rude, this whole time I never asked; what’s your
wife’s name.”. That day I answered honestly, I answered proudly, "actually,
his name is Steve".
Each
time we don’t pay the respect we owe ourselves we go beyond just what we’ve
done to ourselves. We neglect to make this person realize how normal we
all are. Sure some, if not maybe many may walk away shocked, even annoyed
that their assumption was wrong. Others may not bat an eye. For
those who are shocked though, they may not know someone who is gay, you deny
them the ability to see our community for what it is; just people, people who
live the same lives, who have the same goals, and who just want to live it
freely. By coming out every single time someone assumes you’re straight
you open their eyes. You expose them to something that they may need in
order to become an ally. Something of which is needed in order to win
this fight.
The
man I met on the plane that day hasn’t called, I’m not sure he will. I
know this though; I helped that man out. The next time he meets a single
male or female he may approach things differently. Maybe if he had
reservations about the LGBT community, meeting me will have helped him. Knowing
about my military spouse, my professional role and from our conversation he may
have a new perspective.
So
as we enter this New Year, I am asking each and every single one of my friends
to make the same resolution as I am. Come out every single chance you
can. Maybe you already do and if so then encourage your friends to do the
same. Even if you're straight come out in support of LGBT rights as often
as possible. Either way, the next few years are going to mean massive
change in LGBT rights and unless we make our selves known we risk losing what
amazing progress has already been made. Take each day as a chance to help
create conversation around why our differences make us so amazing and yet so
alike. Happy New Year!
